


You Didn't See

by Falling April (ordinarygirl)



Category: Rent
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pre-Canon, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-19
Updated: 2005-08-19
Packaged: 2017-10-05 06:49:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/38905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ordinarygirl/pseuds/Falling%20April
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>April can see how she's planned to free herself from pain, but she can't see how that affects everyone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Didn't See

**Disclaimer: **I do not own RENT. I do not own April. I DO, sadly, own the stupidity that kept me up late and caused me to write this story in second person. Okay? Thank you.

* * *

**You Didn't See**

You saw it, all prepared, and you stood in the bathroom, the door locked behind you, and surveyed the scene: The bathtub, filled with water - warm, so you wouldn't feel the cut of the knife laying in the soap dish. A note taped to the mirror that reads:

_Roger, baby, we've got AIDS._

_I love you..._

_Goodbye._

You took a deep breath. You knew that Mark and Roger would be home any minute, and you had to make sure you weren't still alive when they got back. Ignoring the fact that you were still in your clothes, you slowly lowered yourself into the tub. You wouldn't have gone through with it if it weren't for the crack. If you hadn't forgotten to take your anti-depressant. If you hadn't gotten the news on that particular day, when you were depressed and home alone. Life is filled with "what ifs".

The cut did't hurt, you found, but afterward there was a sting, and your arms started to get this dull hollow ache, as if something were being sucked out of them. You guessed pretty quickly why _that_ was, as rivers of brilliant, vivid red poured into the water.

_Oh, how my pain is glorious..._ Your last thought.

"Roger..." whispered, your last word.

And then you found yourself standing before an open door, with dazzlingly bright light on the other side. What was there for you to do but walk through?

This is what you know, what you saw.

What you didn't see was Roger coming home a few minutes before Mark, who had stopped to interview someone about their opinion on the dangers of conformity. What you didn't see was Roger's face when he walked into the loft and saw the overturned table, and the scattered books and papers, from your initial angry reaction to the news. What you didn't see was Roger banging on the bathroom door, begging you to open up and finally kicking it in when he got no answer.

What you didn't see was Mark's face when he finally got to the loft and found Roger in the bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably and holding your lifeless body.

What you didn't see was the pain you brought to their lives, especially when Roger now needed you most.

You saw many thing: AIDS, death, a knife to bring it swifter and with less physical pain. But you didn't see the important things.

And that's where you failed.


End file.
